Dear "Boundaries & Toxic Relationships" Generation

Drawing by Bianca Bagnarelli

Perhaps you have observed, or even experienced, the trend in recent years of adult children cutting off their parents and also withholding grandchildren from associating with them (see here, here, here, and here) . The reasons behind these separations often center on claims of boundary violations and “trauma” as perceived by an aggrieved adult child looking back. To label a parent as so inadequate as to not be worthy of any association is one of the most cruel actions an adult son or daughter can take. Having encountered two parents in the past week who are experiencing this estrangement, now seems a good time to address the topic.

Following is an open letter on the matter from “A Parent Who Cares.” Feel free to repost or share with others:

Dear “Boundaries & Toxic Relationships” Generation,

Your parents are not commodities to discard when they don’t “fit” quite right or meet your every need. I know your therapist and your online friends are giving you a lot of support for cutting contact with your mom/dad or both. They tell you that you’re being brave and strong, and doing what’s best for your emotional health, but you might consider the motives behind voices promoting family fracturing. Many of them have their own issues and ulterior motives that have nothing to do with your happiness or well-being.

As I understand it, your grievances fall into the following kinds of categories. Your parents:

· Said something that hurt you or made you feel insecure

· Raised you in a religion you believe is “toxic”

· Didn’t let you do something you wanted to when you were growing up

· Voted for a candidate you despise

· Didn’t approve of your course of study in college or your career choice

· Treated you differently than your siblings

· Said things about current social issues that you find offensive

· Criticized you

· Made you do something you didn’t want to do

· Didn’t respond the way you wanted when you made decisions they didn’t agree with

· Made decisions in their own life that hurt you

Unfortunately, there isn’t a parent out there who hasn’t done one or all of the above. It’s inevitable because generations clash, and parents are imperfect people. I know you think you’ll do it all better. Your kids are going to think you’re great, and they will never turn on you, because you love them so much. You’re going to do things “right.” Maybe, but the truth is all parents make mistakes, and most of what you’re labeling as “toxic” or “abusive” were not intentional errors, but the result of human failings.

For the record, when it comes to differences in politics, religion, and social issues, telling people you won’t associate unless they say and do certain things is not a boundary – that’s control and coercion.

As to the other issues, it would be wise for everyone to learn to give their parents grace. It’s part of the human experience, and it’s part of being an adult.

Breaking news to those who have cut off parents: Your kids are likely going to do the same thing to you. And they will feel justified in it, because they’re watching how you treat your parents now. Then what? Do you think in 10 or 15 years the therapist who encouraged you to cut off contact with your family will still be listening to you? Hopefully not, because good therapy helps you gain skills for healthy living, and the therapy ends. Bad therapy goes on for months and years and encourages you to wallow in hurt and resentment, fragility, safe spaces, and self-absorption.

When your heart is broken by the disdain of your grown children, will the online influencers who encouraged you to break with your family be there for you? Will the friends who also cut off their parents, and encouraged you to do the same, be your support group? Or will they have moved on to other people and places? When you are less capable of caring for yourself, will your children stick around? Or will they find that you no longer meet their needs, so it’s more “healthy” for them to focus on other people and priorities?

There’s a reason why family relationships should be prioritized and nurtured, even when they’re difficult. Your family members are the people you go through life with. You can cut them off, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are your blood. You can complain about your parents and justify to yourself that you don’t have space for that “toxic relationship,” but it doesn’t change the fact that they brought you into this world and voluntarily sacrificed in many ways to provide you the best life they knew how to give.

Contrary to the contemporary feel-good concept of family being whoever you choose, you have actual genetic and/or legal ties to the people who birthed you and raised you.

Therapists and friends are only one piece in a support system. Your parents are your parents no matter what you say or do. You may wish they were different, but they’re the only parents you have. Whether or not you reject them is up to you, but you can’t choose the effects of that decision, nor can you presently imagine how far-reaching the consequences will be.

Success in career, social standing, accomplishments, material goods, and your own growing family may be providing enough that you don’t feel the need for a relationship with your parents, but that will change. Life has a way of giving and taking from everyone. Ultimately, it is the lasting relationships with family that carry us through the ups and downs of life. Breaking with your parents shatters relationships along generational lines and tears at the strength of family associations and shared traditions.

Reconsider what you’re doing. Right now you may feel free from the constraints of your upbringing, and the tension in your relationship with your parents, but it won’t last. Casting off responsibilities, such as honoring your father and mother, may seem easier in the moment, but a generation that discards parents like clothes they’ve outgrown, will find there is an emptiness and regret in later life that cannot be assuaged.

You have one thing going for you. Your parents still love you. Please reach out today and start mending the breach while you still can.

Sincerely,

A Parent Who Cares